Resting Comfortably

Mom has been receiving morphine around the clock for the past 2 days and is finally resting comfortably. It's really amazing what a number it does on your head... now that she's in this "state", I keep asking myself "well, was it really all that bad? Was this really the right next step?" I've asked Mary and she's said "yes"... I've asked Annie and she's said "yes". But I guess no matter what, you can't help but feel like maybe you're overlooking some glimmer of hope that may have been there. It's so hard to remember, especially now looking at her so peacefully, that she was in such agony. The bottom line is that she is not struggling anymore... she's not struggling with that horrible feeling that it's such hard work to get a breath! She's not struggling with that paralyzing fear that was totally overtaking her...that look is NOT in her eyes anymore. She doesn't look scared... and even in this state, when I ask her if she's in any pain, she can tell me "no". When I ask her if she's OK, she isn't immediately shaking her head anymore. She's comfortable. I don't know how long she'll hang on like this but I promise to keep posting notes. Today, Mom's oxygen level is still at 96% and I'm working closely with the hospice agency and nurses who are paying close attention to Mom and her symptoms and her medication.
So, Merry Christmas, everyone. Thank you all for being out there! Thank you for all the beautiful cards and notes and gifts. They are all so heartfelt and appreciated. Thank you. Thank you for being a part of this "circle". Mary and my Dad arrived late on Tuesday night and are off spending the day with Adam and all of Sidra's family today. They'll be back late tonight. Adam, Sidra and Chris will be coming up tomorrow mid-day and staying over until Saturday. Annie is flying back tomorrow evening after spending these few days at home with her fiance. Christmas with the kids was OK... Santa brought them Rock Band for their playstation which they wanted to play in the living room so Nonny (Mom) could be a part of it... all I can say is it was very LOUD and Mom didn't notice! Still seeking sprawling farm somewhere for the two chows, please feel free to put out your feelers!