We decided to board the chows for 10 days over the holidays starting on Monday... just have to get a couple of Blackie's shots updated first. This'll be a nice break for everybody... Phil's planning on being home from work from 12/24 till 1/2 or 1/5. We'll be able to open the gates and all move around much easier.
Mom is continuing to have a hard time breathing... her breath is very labored and she needs to be pushed forward in her chair pretty frequently in order to feel like she can have her breath. It seems to me and Annie that Mom may be "fighting", continuing to believe that she will be turning a corner any time now and starting to get better. We're both sensing that maybe that's why she's so adamant about not using medication because she wants to be toughing it out and wants to have a clear head for this fight she has ahead of her. We keep having thoughts about whether it would be better for Mom, whether it would be more fair to her, to talk to her frankly about her prognosis... to explain that we're really pretty certain that she's not going to get better... and in fact, that what's happening is that it's getting worse. In all fairness to her, shouldn't she know that so she can better prepare herself mentally? I don't know. I remember my sister-in-law telling me about when her father was dying from esophageal cancer... and no one in the family wanted to tell him how sick he was... when he died, he had had no time to prepare himself mentally, no time or chance to communicate his final wishes or thoughts with his family, no time to think about it in that light. She has always felt that she did him a disservice by not telling him the truth. I guess that's what's running through our minds. I don't want to look back and think "maybe Mom would have been better served to know what was happening". We've all been in denial for so long, trying to remain optimistic for her, and with her. But it's not like her optimism is continuing to shine through and we're thinking about dashing her hopes! There is NO optimism anymore... it's just this anguish... every waking moment is spent in anguish.... with Mom continuing to feel like she just has to push through it. Wouldn't it be better to tell her that she's not going to push through so let's all start working together instead of letting go, becoming free of this awful state and having peace? Um, answers, please?
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I agree with Mary in that Laura knows her prognosis but has chosen to continue her desperate fight to maintain some control and in a small measure cope with this horrific situation. The only way she can achieve peace is from within and that seems to mean accepting the inevitable. Apparently she is not ready to do this yet. Jessica, you and Annie are doing such a wonderful job caring for her and keeping her as comfortable as humanly possible-the best you can do is to continue doing that.
We will continue to pray for Laura and all of you each and every day.
May God grant you grace to continue this difficult journey. Love and blessings to all of you.
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